I didn’t know anything about him, apart from he is close to someone close to me, and he was a snob, the type who talks to only those he considered his class. And i am not exactly the class type of a person. I talk to everybody anyone everywhere. And i never try to portray status anywhere. To me it’s always about kids so i felt we were totally in different worlds. From a distance he was the type of person you would not dare meet in person alone, not because he was ugly but because he carried this charm with him that he knew or rather believed was powerful enough to penetrate what had never been broken. When he joked someday of going for a walk i brushed it off . He was not the type to entertain otherwise you’d lose a bet easily.
Of course once in a while i wondered how it would be if he didn’t carry that pride of ‘i am rich and i know it,’ that arrogance of ‘i am a tall and i know it. Perhaps we would be great friends… perhaps not. Perharps we would have never met. He was that person i prefer to watch from a distance, until 14/12/2018 when fate decided otherwise. Maybe it was his plan all along because when preparing he earlier told me ‘you thought you’d run for long, tonight it will be you and unless you skip the event. And even if you do so i will still meet you eventually. I tried to escape but then the only person i could use as an escape was not available, somehow…’
The event started at 3:30. It was beautiful the type that made you want to have yours even tomorrow. But throughout the only thing i thought was how my day was going to be. I was sad. I could feel him staring at me. He was sitting few seats away, not too close but all while i could tell he was looking at me. That look you give to someone you have so much to say to but you don’t know how to. That look you give someone you want them to notice you are literally staring.
I kept on looking at my phone. I hoped for a text, a text convincing enough to have mum convinced that i had to be somewhere else that evening. But there was none. Peharps i had messed up everything. Whatever… whatever it was, i hoped i was not going to regret it forever. Because i knew i would.
I called my friend. I don’t know whether to call him my friend because he is not exactly mine but i feel like he is because always listens and offer solutions. I told him how i felt sad. And as always, he listened.
At the main event i tried to keep calm. I kept myself busy with children. I was nervous and whenever i saw him around i would look another direction. I could tell he was looking for me. But i wanted my space. I had so much to think about and he was not going to further complicate my equations. He kept on sipping his wine looking at my direction. And i pretended not to notice.
But then kids slept. Those who had come from a distance left. People were now dancing, others paired in two talking in low tones. It was sure going to be a long night. I looked for mum she was speaking with friends so i left her alone. I went and sat at the farthest table, where i was sure no one would see me. My dress was bright pink and i felt he might spot me so i wore my black trenchcoat. I was glad my hairstyle was was not my trendy pussy cat which everyone identified me with. At least.
I looked outside. It reminded me of the first boy to love me in campus. He would come to my room and he didn’t have anything to tell me, he was so shy so he would tell me we go outside the balcony and watch stars. He would call me over the phone and tell me to go watch stars. He later tattooed stars on his heart. And told me they signified my name. I wondered how he is doing and how life would have been if i had not told him no, something that broke him completely.
The place was beautiful. And the breeze and the setting was everything.
Then somebody grabbed my hair from the back. I wanted to scream but i didn’t. No one would hear me anyway the music was too loud. I didn’t turn to see who it was . I hoped it was mum.
‘I know you’ve been trying to run away from me all this while, but tonight, tonight don’t dare go anywhere. I won’t take too long. We are in public. So don’t be afraid. But if you want to keep running away you are free to walk out on me right now.’ i turned.
He took a sip of his wine and looked at me as if he was giving me a chance to decide. And as if he had no positive hope of me staying. It was like he was used to rejection from me. Strange.
I wanted to move but something told me to stay. Peharps it’s because he was not rude as people described him or as i visualized him to be.
He told me to ask him a random question. Anything i had in mind because he could tell i had much. I wanted o ask him what exactly was in my mind before he came ‘like what exactly do you do when all you want to do is right but you keep getting it wrong.? Like what do you when God sends you what you’ve always wanted and you feel you’ve pushed it away and you don’t know how to forgive yourself’. ‘But i knew that conversation was going to make me cry and i didn’t want to cry in front of a stranger. So i said nothing.
After long silence he told me. ‘i know you have a boyfriend, and that’s why you’ve been avoiding me because you fear you can easily cheat with me, i know i can tell it’s always written all over your face. That you are scared of me. And people normally get scared by what they want most. (i wanted to interupt but i didn’t) I know he makes you happy, or he is just average but you are a sweet girl who cares how he feels. Whatever the case i will still say what i want to because as far as i am concerned you have no ring to scare me away. And competition is healthy. In the long run the most important person is the one who marries you. Not the one you are with now.
The first time i saw you it was in an event and i noted something, you are beautiful but instead of taking pride of it like every good looking person does, you down play it despite dressing too well. It was like you were hiding from the world and you didn’t want anyone noticing you. But who can’t? There is something you don’t want the world to see and i knew what it was when i greeted you. But i just couldn’t figure exactly what it was. You walked away even before i told you my name.
I later asked about you from friends and i was told to forget you because everyone who wanted you failed to win you. I knew it had something to do with your past, childhood peharps, at a glance of how you handle children one can tell you are emotional, the type who fall hard and easily. And for you not to fall then it means you are protecting yourself from the world, from something. From pain. .
I just want you to know you don’t have to keep hiding, the more you do the more you keep getting broken. Whatever it is you need to let it out, you need to embrace it and not feel indebted to it. Because the more you hide it the more you live in fear of who will find about it before you accept it.
I am turning 28 on April, and i have been hiding all my life. I grew up in the suburbs so no one would understand when i say i have been broken, but my mum and dad had everything minus love. They fought a lot when i was growing up, and i associated love with pain and swore never to love in my life. By age fifteen i was driving a sleek vehicle with a forged licence, my parents were compensating their lack of love with money. But i was an unhappy child. All i wanted was somebody to love me. But there was none. Girls threw themselves to me, they always do when you own a vehicle even if it’s old, but every time i tried to love one i broke down before it started. All i could see in my head when i looked at a woman was the cry of my mother whenever my father came home drunk. And her shouts whenever she would be bleeding from Dad’s slaps. By 16 i got into drugs. By 17 i went to a rehab. By 18 my dad died and he named me as the sole heir. But i was unhappy and a broken teenager . I attempted suicide three times by the time i was 20. Money couldn’t save me.
But here i am. I have been trying to get over my childhood and in the process i build a wall to protect myself. People say i am rude and arrogant because of money and that just not it.
I want you to know there is something about you that makes me see women beyond the brokenness of my mother. Maybe because i know you are broken too, i can tell it even if you hide it behind a smile that never fades, there is something about you that makes me want to have you and walk you through the journey of self acceptance. It’s not that you cannot love as you tell people , it’s only that it will take time for somebody to have you open up and have you accept your pain. It’s not easy, it needs somebody who has gone through life to know that there is a reason why you choose to spend time with kids than adults, somebody who is keen enough to see in social events you always try to isolate yourself, somebody who sees that your smile is too natural, the type that children adopt to hide scars.
I want to travel with you to the world if you will let me. I want you to call me anytime you feel broken because you see something that reminds you of your bitter past, even if i don’t know what it is yet. I want you to call me every time you think of the past and break down just like i do sometimes…
I read your posts everyday i think of you and through the long paragraphs i understand what you are struggling not to say, sometimes they make me teary because i understand how hard that might be for you. To say much but not say the little things you are really wishing to say.
I don’t want you to say anything here, i will be outside waiting for you, i know instead of sitting here looking all sad you’d appreciate somebody to hug you and listen to crickets and the loud music from a distance… A little time with me won’t hurt you in any way…’