To the one who deeply loved me

 

I am sorry. I am genuinely sorry. I am sorry for all the time, emotions, Commitment and energy you put just to help me convince me that you loved me, but still i turned you down. I am sorry for all the sacrifices you made to see me happy, but i gave you a cold shoulder.

I know. I know that my sorry will not erase your pain. I know that my sorry will not wipe away your tears or make your broken heart whole again. I know it will not compensate for all the calls i never picked and all the texts i never replied. Or make up for all the times you asked to meet me and i turned you down. I know…
But still i am going to say i am sorry. I am going to apologize even when i know it may never make sense to you.

I won’t pretend i know how a heartbreak feels like so the depth of your words may never hit me. When you said you loved me i felt it was cliche, everybody said that to me and you were not going to be different. My heart had been hardened by life and i didn’t think i was ever going to love. And if so not you. I wanted my education, i wanted my career, i wanted beauty, i wanted family, but not with you.

I didn’t see you were different. I was too blind or rather too cautious with life to notice the small things you did, like being there for me when i broke down when in a room where everyone had a short sleeved or in crowds where somebody asked why i greeted them with a left hand.  And calling me every time i was sad. Like calling everyday to check how i am and texting me every morning and every night before you slept. Like sending me sweet notes and helping me when you learnt from someone else i had a problem. Like surprising me on normal days with me the one thing i value most- Teddy bears. All this time i never asked anyone for help because i find it embarrassing, but you were always there, you never expected me to ask but you’d always know when responsibilities would overwhelm and you’d always offer to help. I still remember how you’d call and ask every weekend ‘how’s your grandparents doing, do they need you to send them anything? If so let me know. Life shouldn’t be such a burden to you Star. You sacrifice too much for others at your young age at the expense of your comfort and i feel you deserve to be happy. I want to help because unlike you i have less dependants responsibilities’ Just being there for me anytime even when i didn’t need you to be was enough to tell me you were genuine.

But i didn’t see that. Instead i focussed on the things that didn’t impress me about you. I instead told my friends i could probably date you someday when lonely maybe…but… But If only you were an inch taller, a bit built and a bit attractive in the face value. I felt you never measured up to my standards.

But I am sorry. I am sorry for all the times I treated you in a way that didn’t matter. For all the time I ignored you even when I was the one in the wrong. For all the days I made you doubt your worth and made you question God.
For all the time I was just nice to you for fear of seeing you cry because you did easily where i was concerned yet the public feared you and thought you were heartless. For all the times i vaguely responded to your texts half heartedly not to hurt your feelings and the responses i gave made you wonder whether i slightly cared. A friend recently told me if somebody loves you you will know. You will not have to question where you belong in their life by the way they treat you. It now makes sense to me. So i am sorry For all the times i found it hard to text you back yet i write long paragraphs in social media and to some of my close friends. For all the times I put you off with my behavior, hoping you will read in between the lines that I saw you only as a friend. For all the times i told you no bur you still told me you hoped it will be a yes someday.

I am sorry for all the times I made you cry. And for every good girl you lost an opportunity to be with because you loved me and hoped one day i will reciprocate what you felt for me. That day never came, it may never be, but i am sorry. I cannot compensate for lost time, but I can make it right now.

I was having a conversations with my grandmas, and they were telling me their life lessons they had learn for the many years they lived on earth. And one common regret they have is letting go the man who treated them right for the man who impressed their eyes. It always end in tears, they said. They said when you get older you want somebody who truly shows they care, you want love and affection and not empty promises. They said i should hold onto deeply to one who does everything just to see me smile, that made me reflect deeply about life. And somebody said ‘Relationships only lasts when a man loves, because he will do everything to make it work, when a woman loves it’s obvious she will not disappoint, but men can easily deviate if it’s the woman who loves them’ And my mind wandered to you. Perhaps God gave me that person and i turned them down because i wanted somebody else. I hope not.

But I am sorry for all small things I complained about for the sake of making you give up on me but you didn’t. For all the times I made you apologize so many times because I was annoyed when in reality I didn’t care or think about about you even for a second. The only time i remembered about you is when i was with you.

I am sorry for everything you spend on me directly, even if not directly with my friends, wishing to buy their loyalty and make Me yours and all your efforts went in vain. Because my heart had been hardened and loving you was not wasn’t my priority. Well, they say if somebody keeps you on hold, and says they don’t want to love you in the excuse that they are not ready, they simply don’t want you and they are just being polite with you. The heart doesn’t have to be ready for what it loves. It just loves naturally. Maybe…

I am sorry that you were ready and experience the beautiful thing, love, with somebody who was not returning back your affection, it must have been hard for you. But you never gave up.
I am sorry for all the times I treated you as a trash but you would still come back to me the following day and would still call and text everyday to check on me even when your texts and calls weren’t answered.

I am sorry you were proud to be associated with me and you took all my flaws and loved me for who I was wholeheartedly but I didn’t do the same for you. That even after knowing how broken i was you still said you didn’t care. You still never lost hope but instead told me you will give me time to heal. You gave me time and waited for years. But still when i started healing i noticed and liked another who was not you.

I am sorry that you were the definition of the dream man any girl would have, that you were strong to the world but to me me you humbled yourself. I am sorry You run several businesses and leadership positions and have people look up to you, but you’d say all that didn’t matter coz all you wanted was my approval. That no matter how successful you will be, it won’t matter if you won’t be with me. I am sorry you were the perfect description of Mr Right, bur you were never right before my eyes no matter how you tried.
I am sorry that every time somebody annoyed me I made you take all the blame because i was looking for the slightest excuse to push you away but you were too blinded to see it. I am sorry your voice and smile irritated me.

I know there are so many things I didn’t do right, I know I was growing up and didn’t care about a man’s feelings. I gave you the hardest times of your life.

But today, I hope that someday you will find happiness and be able to forgive me for hurting you and causing you so much heartache and pain. I hope someday you will love somebody who deserves to be loved the way you loved me. I hope that one day when she comes and she loves you back how i failed to, and I see you walking her down the aisle, I hope I will have found my happiness too and i won’t end up crying in the bathroom wishing i chose you instead of my fantasy because it would be me you would be wedding. And not her.

Unlike with any other person i know with you i was assured of the ring. You were ready to marry me even then. When i joked i could be married to someone on the same field as me you said it was okay, that you could sacrifice politics for me and focus on business  and my coldness towards you was the barrier.

But I hope we all end up happy. I hope i make the right choice and i won’t end up regretting for the rest of my life for sacrificing you, who had never loved another, for somebody i wasn’t sure loved me. I hope that someday out children could be friends and we could joke about how they wouldn’t have been born if you married me. I hope someday we will talk Without you bringing up his name every time we meet and being bitter with him because i chose him over you. Without you telling me you’d still be there waiting in case he hurts me.

And if you don’t forgive me and we all end up married to people we don’t love or love but we be unhappy and frustrated because they don’t value us much. I will be so sorry for not giving you a chance when I was supposed to. If we end up frustrated and we get emotionally drained because our perspective spouses won’t love us as much as you loved me, Then I will take the blame. I will bite my lower lip, wipe my tears and dial your number. Perhaps you won’t, pick and you will have blacklisted me which i doubt you can, but if you do pick, i will listen to your hello and sob and say ‘i know it’s too late and i can’t go back to make my first choice, but i called to say ‘I am sorry, I am deeply sorry’.

 

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Daudi says:

    Wooow

    Like

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